Fwd: Just for Fun: Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

[Seth Johnson <seth.johnson@RealMeasures.dyndns.org>]

(Just a gag . . .  -- Seth)


-------- Original Message --------
Date: Sat, 04 May 2002 12:42:37 -0400
From: Seth Johnson <seth.johnson@RealMeasures.dyndns.org>


http://www.theonion.com/onion3311/microsoftpatents.html


Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes


      REDMOND, WA—In what CEO Bill Gates called "an
unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual
property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the
Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero
Monday. 

      With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited
from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and
ones—the mathematical building blocks of all computer
languages and programs—unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per
digit used is paid to the software giant. 

      "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones
and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told
reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health
of the computer industry, we permitted the free and
unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However,
changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly
predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with
no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our
numerals." 

      A number of major Silicon Valley players, including
Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they
will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and
anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit
licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly. 

      "While, technically, Java is a complex system of
algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming
environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions
of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott
McNealy, whose company created the Java programming
environment used in many Internet applications. "The
licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be
approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this
company." 

      "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will
have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim
CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this
company would be able to remain competitive selling
pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs." 

      As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other
companies have begun radically revising their product lines:
Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program
to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell,
whose communications and networking systems are also subject
to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal
trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system.
Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new
steam-powered printer. 

      Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his
ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed
property of Microsoft. 

      "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these
numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among
Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform
tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol
known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls
written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea
of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn
Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the
cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg,
Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of
Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need
arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the
Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to
these numbers." 

      Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm
the richest man in the world." 

      According to experts, the full ramifications of
Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be
realized. 

      "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from
one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to
ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including
Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the
basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the
concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University
theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said.
"In other words, pretty much everything."

      Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs
of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are
infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft
lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this
week. 

      Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge
a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such
mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and
smiling. 

      In an address beamed live to billions of people around
the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his
company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all
humankind. 

      "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like
the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all
work together to make the promise of the computer revolution
a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software
company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of
consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."